Written Matter

every person I try to talk to just has their own shit.
there is no one who is in a good enough place to have any room to deal with other people's shit.
and somehow, I'm still trying to listen to everyone else's problems.

I need someone to hold me and let me cry for a while.

Went to Northern Exposure.
Henry Webb is starting to look good. Toby played, so did Sam Bevet.

Joe, Roy, Edi's cousin. Can't remeber his name. Miss joe, miss life.
Talked to eric kaups drunk. love him.

want more than this.

drank while out. epic. brighton drove home. went with rachel too. good time. owe rachel money.

drove while still fucked.
oh well.

made it home. can't wait to see joe, and eric, and henry, all the boys again.



miss being content. love being alright.

Let's do something great.

Life is chaos, make it a beautiful chaos.

because I am so bitter

So I went on a road trip across the country with my mom.
worked a lot.
smoked a lot. with a lot of people.
hung out with a lot of people.

that's about all my summer has been.

It's tea at night, weed in the afternoon, work in the morning.
it's paradise.


you want to make life perfect, do everything you want, find a job you like, people you like, and don't worry about anything.
it all works out. swear to god. if it doesn't work out, it's not done yet.

heading south and west man.


doing it right.

His name is Gabriel.

if this is my new year, then I plan on a damn good year.

I spent new years at raye's with a whole lot of people. at midnight I was outside looking at the stars.
then I watched the ball drop about 10 seconds later thanks to the amazing tivo.
I've spent the past few days being a bum at home. today rachel and I went up the mountain a bit and sat and froze with beer and bread and cheese. the day was perfect, light and cold as hell.

days before were spent in chaos. people cause me overwhelming emotion and I can't decide if it's good or bad.
either way, it causes things to happen. I've seen most of the people I want to see while I'm home. not spent all the time I wanted with them, but seen them at least.

maybe there will be another day of sharpened light or perfect snow and I'll spend it perfectly. That's my plan for this year. not to let days slip by in wasted sort of ways for no reason at all. if it is grand and cold and full of everything I want outside, then outside is where I want to be. I wish there were mountains at school. maybe Kate can help me there.

I miss kate. I miss Edi. I miss school. but really. this is home. I can make anywhere home. but this is home. I know this through and through. I know mountains and woods. I know snow. I love it. I love cold. I love trees.
I could so easily spend my life in wool pants and a wool coat with a wool hat and mittens wandering in the woods. I love wool. I love winter woods. I love this place. I want to live up on a mountain in a shack that I have to park my car by the road and walk to. I want movement and distance in my life. it'll happen.

poetry and romance aren't so hard to find. it's just living in a way that makes you feel like that.

You best be reading it.
That being said, I have nothing to say.

Ryan needs to get back so I can end this deal with my sanity.
I need to get home so I can see Edi.

I don't know how to be this.

My life is like:
work
school
homework
school
homework
hemp
work
school
homework
drama
school
work
roomie drama
work
school
missing people.
hating myself.
music.
homework.
run
bike
HAPPY BIRTHDAY EDI!!!!!
I love you.

classes started yesterday.
I like Ken Courtney, the American Political Theory Professor.
I like Rick Wormwood, the English Comp. Professor.
I can't deal with Kolonoski, the Stats professor. He put a kid in the front of the room to sleep.

Today was Into to Art, which was mellow, the prof wasn't really anything.
Just another teacher.
Just another class.

Roomie and I are getting along better, I suppose.

And I met the keeper for the girls soccer team on the dock this morning, name of Beth.
She was really different from me, pink and froufy, but nice.
Also from VT.

I have to go rescue my laundry.

That's life.
Shower. Sleep. Eat. Run. Class. Homework.
Meeehhhh.
I miss everyone.

I realized tonight
that you lose people
all the time.
And the ones you don't mean to lose are the ones that vanish the best.
It doesn't take erasing a memory to lose someone.
I remember this boy from highschool.
Kyle Blacklock.
I really liked him. as a person.
He was the only person who ever was just nice to me.
He came out to me in the pool.
I thought it was great, cause then it didn't matter.
We could just be friends.

LIke the guy from urban outfitters
who noticed I cut my hair, and told me i needed product in it.
it just made me feel like
someone who didn't know me at all
cared
just because


now
I'm leaving
and I haven't felt more comfortable where I am
ever in my life
I have friends
I do what I want
I love my job

People like Grady
And Joe O'Dell
And Joe
and Roy
and Rae Cutie
and Daniel
even Brogan and Jess
they make me want to stay
I dont' have time to make the friendship a lasting one.
I want them to be real though
I liked the time i had
It was fun

I just want to stay in this feeling
not try to fight it
I hate leaving
I hate being left
I just want to stay here
I don't want to lose all my highschool friends
I don't want to try to make new friends
I don't like people

I'm a psycho.

I don't want Drew to be in Iraq.
I want that to not ever go away.
I love him.

I've already lost people entirely.
I'm 19.
How do I even have time to do that?
Like what happened to Joe from Kroka?

I have to pack
and I don't know what to take.
I want to be a hippie.
but goth and scene.
I'm so messed up.
I guess I just should say fuck it.
run off and hide somewhere off the grid.
off the planet.

I guess I should just stop writing.
space seems to mean more than the words I'm filling it with.



















think about nothing.
It's a hard concept.

I can't even remember this last week.
Grady. joe redhead. edi. tammy.
drama.
that was monday.
tuesday.
worked.
slept.
wednesday
worked
went to the green.
saw jon and helped hillary with the market.
today
worked
slept
tried to get ahold of joe
maybe going out alone.

meehhh.
I think I'm getting sick from being too stressed.
shiitttaayyy.

Can't wait to play with Edi on my week off.

Hillary said that she really liked working with me, and that she was gonna miss me. Pauline said she really liked living with me. It was nice. I felt really good. Not that I was particularly trying to make either of them like me, that they just did.

Edz and I went to the fair wednesday and friday.
met joe and roy.
also jake whayler.
it was fun.
she stayed at my house friday night and then I went to her house and we stopped by roy's on the way.
then I took her to work.
Today I worked, and then stopped by Amelia's on the way home to drop of some corn.
It was good.
I am supposed to work market on friday, but I have an eye doctors appmnt, and I don't know how that is gonna work.
bleh.
School still hasn't told me who my roommates are either.
Time = short.


shit.

Saturday.
woke up.
did nothing.
Made scones.
And cornbread.
And biscuits.

Biked stationarily for an hour.
Dripped sweat.
Showered.
Listening to music.

Today was good.
I worked.
Which wasn't too bad.
Cause I actually talked to people and was a bitch to everyone.
But it was kinda funny.
Like when I said to Matt (who has a strained MCL) "Wha'chu lookin' at gimpy?"
He looked surprised as fuck.
Then flipped me off.
I just laughed hysterically.

Then I went home and made cookies and cornbread and scones.
Then I went to see Edi.
And I met Patrick Tammy.
Who wasn't ugly, which for some reason I assumed he would be.
He reminded me a lot of Jordan Mitchell-Love.
In looks and voice. Not personality, thank god.
I felt pretty comfortable around him, which was a little weird.
I normally don't just get along with people.
Maybe it's just cause I have my period.
Edi's dad was super cranky at the end of the night, and nearly drove away without Edi.
She chased him down.
It wasn't a good ending though, and it should have been.
I'll see her soon though.

I remember when I met Edi again last summer.
I remember when she introduced me to Ricky.
I remember all the times we ran around Burlington being silly.
I remember her Prom night.
I remember how she fought with Nicky all the time, but how it always worked out.
I remember when she found out she was moving to Westford.
I remember wishing I could be a better friend.

I remember when I was afraid of the park ponx and the scene kids.
I remember when they were all one group.



I remember a lot of other things too.
But mostly, I just want to keep making more memories.
With people I love.



ps.
Today is fucking hot. like, unbearably.

Saw Edi for a few minutes on Tuesday.
Saw Megan, Amelia and Tegan on Saturday night.
Saw Nica and Ike last night.
I feel social.

I don't really like it much.


Drew and I settled things.
I stopped being petty and stupid, and he stopped being an ass.
I really love him.
He told me not to do anything crazy if something happened to him.
I didn't make any promises.


Ran into Jesse Smith and Pamela and Sophie Pickens in Mtn. Greens.
Saw Owen in the Bakery.
God, Bristol is such a small town.
I was glad to see Sophie and Jesse though.
I really like both of them.


Sal and I went blue and blackberry picking at Charlotte Berry Farm on Sunday.
I'm glad we got to pick berries, but I felt like I was selling out.


Sal is off to Prince Edward Island with Mary Geminangi and a few other people (Mary's family mostly).
I had to drive her up to Lincoln first thing in the morning before work.
No sleeeep for Janeee.
Work was totally rrgh cause no one was there.
Me, Andrew, Liam, Eugenie, Nora, Caleb. That was IT.
Not much summer left...

st. steven's peasant market.
clothes. books. silent auction.
farmer's market.
home.
Vergennes for chocolate and sausage.
home.
helping Sal set up her room.
Megan will be here later.

worked.
it rained.
picked berries.
home.
bobcat ate a chicken.
intense.
went out with Sal.
am a lazy bum.
wugh.